worst

I just don't understand.

Here one minute...gone the next.

I just don't understand.

I hate this fucking loneliness.

I had my worst day of the month today.

Closed shop an hour early.

Just gonna drink it off.

Maybe you'll reach out.

Maybe you won't.

I just hate today.

yeah

i'm fucking doomed.

you are incapable of forgiveness.

that deep seeded J shit or whatever.

so i have to accept that i'm now sittin here wasting my time.

fucking awesome.

what a GODDAMNN WASTE.

so be it.

at least i fucking tried.

pin drop

I am happy for you that you are happy.

That you have a support group now.

That you have people around you now.

Rather than wallowing in your thoughts in a dark empty place.

The same place I now find myself in.

This numbing isolating purgatory.

My only solace coming from imaginary conversations to a memory of what once was.

I'm doing my best to give you the benefit of the doubt.  That there is a genuinely good hearted purpose in what is happening.

The silence makes me think of crazy things.

Like...

Perhaps now this problem is no longer yours nor anything you care to deal with.

Maybe it has become something that you hope in vain dies off on its own.

Because it would be so much easier than taking the initiative to tackle it head on.

Neither the patience nor the energy anymore.

Just nothing.

What a horrible way to go.

***

These are the days I fucking hate being here.

Where the will is weakest.

Loneliness re-channeling itself to rage.

Sick of the pain, heartbreak and nothingness.


***

Time to sterilize my brain to comatose.

And hope this goes away.

....

"The spinning top made a sound

like a train across the valley,

fading, oh so quiet but constant til it passed,

over the ridge

into the distance

it's written on your ticket to remind you where to stop

and when to get off."

.

.

Who are you? Who am I to you?
I am the antichrist to you
fallen from the sky with grace
into your arms race

A few minutes ago

I read your last email.

I think you're trying to kill me once and for all...

I was going through an extremely difficult time.  I chose to put a good chunk of that blame(unfairly) upon YOU.

I realize now that the failure in my marriage was all my doing.  "I" had the choice to be faithful or not.  Things happen for a reason.  As painful as it was, in the end...I did not fight for her.  Because deep within my heart I knew that I still wouldn't be happy w/ her even if we reconciled.  Some things just weren't meant to be.  And that was the most painful part.  To realize that what you knew was wrong.  All the dreams you shared were false.  Even so, it doesn't take away the memories, we were genuinely happy for awhile and we loved each other honestly for awhile.  I'll always have a scar and I will always love that woman.  But i'm ready to start my life over.  To do it right this time.  

I fight for you.  Because it's different.  I BELIEVE I can be truly happy with you.  This is a whole nother ball game.  I have too much at stake, too much to lose.  You are who I envision spending my days with.  Who will help me grow into the man and the life that I was supposed to have.  Who I want to build my empire around.  Do it all for your approval.

YOU YOU YOU

***

If you could see into me now you would know that my heart is pure again.

The bad guy is dead.

Been dead.

It took breaking free from that horrible place, that dark hole I was in.  Travelling miles and miles away to finally find myself again.

I'm back.

This boy you know and love.

The one you remember chasing sunsets with.  Who loved everything about you.  Every single last piece of you right down to your charming little faults.

I'm back.

Five Star Bar

I got an invite for a pop up art show at some bar downtown.  My art walk neighbor does these small shows at different spots around town, mostly bars.  He encouraged me to participate so I think I just might go check it out.  It might be good for me to get out of the house for something other than workwork.  Cheap tall boys and an opportunity to take the metro link subway?  Sign me up!

***

I wonder how your day was?  

I wonder what you're doing tonight.

I wonder what goes on in that beautiful mind.  

It's hard being so detached.  It makes me feel so insignificant.  Unimportant and helpless.

You'd never ask for help.  You are too tough.  Too independent of mind.  You'd rather limp into the ER on your own strength than get wheeled in.  

"It's cool, I got it".

The toughest.

***

It's all so strange.  This artificial "you" that i've created in this space...

This blind faith that I now rely on to keep me going...it reminds me a lot of my days back in the church.  Where shit would be so fucked up in my life and how i'd just reach out and talk to no one in a vain desperate attempt to find peace.  Or who knows, maybe there was always someone there.  I s'pose I haven't given up on that whole idea entirely.

Feels real.  

That powerful brain of yours...

Could it be possible that it has left me a dopple ganger to look after me in your absence?  I almost expect to hear answers if I ask questions in the air.

Or I forealz done gone crazay.  Finding reassuring comfort from an overly imaginative conversation with myself.

Oh man.

***

I miss that laugh.  Such a great laugh.  I laugh just hearing it.

My artificial you doesn't laugh.  She just stares that fucking stare.  There is no right or wrong in those eyes.  Hollow and empty, void of any reason or compassion.  But she's a helluva lot better than no you.  

My wonderful abomination.

***

2 more hours before I can begin my drunkwalk/link ride adventure.

Gonna lay down.

Tired.

***

Thinking of you.

7

Home.

Took a lil detour to Food 4 Less.  Holy shmoly @ the Seagram's 1 liter sale!!

Good ol' F4L.

I remember our booze run when you were here.  It was a moment that felt like how things were supposed to be.  We stomped, we drunk, we mini adventured and took each other by the hand.  I don't think we've ever done that in our time together.  That memory still burns and is fresh in my mind.  Man the possibilities wrack my brain.  Killing me.

***

I wonder what you did tonight.  How your night is going.  Coding?  Drankin?  Roomie-ing?

Work for me tonight was actually pretty fantastic.  They have all warmed up to me.  Me and this guy named "Teerath" took some shots of soju before the PM Happy hour rush.  It was fun times after that.  I feel like i've finally broke the ice with them and they've let me into their little inner circle of food service mafiadom.  It's definitely going to make things so much easier.

***

It's a mild night.  Sky is clear allowing this dirty ass town to bask in the glow of the bright moon's ethereal luminance.  I spent a moment earlier on the roof gazing at the flickering lights stretching from here to tinseltown.  I still can't believe i'm here.  Going for it.  What's more surprising(or not really?)I have somehow managed to achieve every single short term goal I have set out for myself.

Giving me more confidence.

I think i'm going to make it.


***

I've figured out a crafty little scheme to fill the void that you've left.  I'm going to work on this project tomorrow.  It should be fun.

***

I hope you had a good night.

I hope you sleep well.

It wasn't a bad monday after all.



Good night you.

Cut shank

Just stepped out for some lunch and errands.

Man it is humidish, kinda hot.

I walked past a mirror in normal day time light and realized how dark I am.

I'm going to turn into that out of control tanning mom from New Joizee.

Man I hope not.

I really don't feel like going to sushi time today.  Fuck man i'm going out of my way for them.  They fired that crazy mean bitch chick that was the floor manager.  I think she got caught stealing or something.  So in her absence i've been asked to come in and cover shifts.  Like last friday.  While I was on the road to S.D. to get more prints...like wtf man.  I drove there and back, got ready and worked a 6 hour shift til midnight then woke up at 5:30 to do Venice.

***

I thought about you so much this weekend.

I thought about myself too.

The boy you have grown to hate.

The boy that isn't me.

I hope that through love, I can kill that mean boy inside you.  I've already killed him off.

This is the boy that you used to know.  And you are that dream girl I met in 2010.

I am going to embarass myself ridiculously trying to court you.  I'm gonna put on my fancy clothes and shiny smile.  Watching you in secret.  STARING.

I should be heartbroken right now but i'm not.  Because I just started chasing you all over again like we just met.  I have energy.   

Love conquers all.  It sounds so corny but it's so true!!

Look at me you fool.  

Your love broke me, set me free.

So I believe.

***

Gotta get ready for this FAWKIN jay-oh-bee.  more like GAY-oh-bee.

I can't wait til' the empire is rollin full-time, full-steam.

Talk soon Ennnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I am the antichrist to you

I didn't even have to read your email.  It was a wave of relief.  That someone out there exists.

I understand.

You can have space.  If it's meant to be, you'll find your way back.

But I wanted a place to keep going.  Something less intrusive.  I realized there might be a possibility that my hotmails were being pushed to your phone.  That fort will always be impenetrable for the foundation was built on pure love.

But maybe it's best I work myself into the background, even further.  So you could come when you wanted and go as you please.  Rather than me throwing brain and heart pieces at your face each day.  This way I can write as freely and as often as i'd like without feeling like i'm being overbearing.

Whether you're here or not.

***

It's a tough morning.  Energy is low and the will is weak.  

It's times like these that I secretly wish you'd take that broadsword and just put me down.  A swift and decisive strike through the ribcage.   Punctured lung and heart.

Putting me out of my misery for good...

***

But I have to keep fighting.  

I just have to. 

***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EewB7xHHIvE

This was a gem.

I thought you might like it.

They used your death bunny.

***

I received an email this morning from a guy that I met last weekend.   A filmy guy who wants to do a documentary on my plight.  I kind of figured he was one of those "oh yeah mmhmms" that you never hear from again.  His work looks pretty legit.  We'll see.

There was a another woman, a gallery curator or something.  She said she wasn't sure if I was ready to push into her scene just yet, but that there is something here.  She said she was going to watch me.  She said that i'm too good to be out there.  With all the crackheads and hacks.

Thanks lady.  But who's going to pay my bills?

And what if I like the hacks and cracks.  They've embraced me, so i'll embrace them back.


***


It's all nice and flattering.

But it comes back to you.

Fucking you.

None of it will matter if I don't have someone to share it with.

No amount of fame or success.  It won't make my heart whole.

That someone to ride the highs with.  To carry me through the lows when I doubt myself.  You were just that.  And I love you so much for it.

You...



***

Make it a good one.