I am the antichrist to you

I didn't even have to read your email.  It was a wave of relief.  That someone out there exists.

I understand.

You can have space.  If it's meant to be, you'll find your way back.

But I wanted a place to keep going.  Something less intrusive.  I realized there might be a possibility that my hotmails were being pushed to your phone.  That fort will always be impenetrable for the foundation was built on pure love.

But maybe it's best I work myself into the background, even further.  So you could come when you wanted and go as you please.  Rather than me throwing brain and heart pieces at your face each day.  This way I can write as freely and as often as i'd like without feeling like i'm being overbearing.

Whether you're here or not.

***

It's a tough morning.  Energy is low and the will is weak.  

It's times like these that I secretly wish you'd take that broadsword and just put me down.  A swift and decisive strike through the ribcage.   Punctured lung and heart.

Putting me out of my misery for good...

***

But I have to keep fighting.  

I just have to. 

***

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EewB7xHHIvE

This was a gem.

I thought you might like it.

They used your death bunny.

***

I received an email this morning from a guy that I met last weekend.   A filmy guy who wants to do a documentary on my plight.  I kind of figured he was one of those "oh yeah mmhmms" that you never hear from again.  His work looks pretty legit.  We'll see.

There was a another woman, a gallery curator or something.  She said she wasn't sure if I was ready to push into her scene just yet, but that there is something here.  She said she was going to watch me.  She said that i'm too good to be out there.  With all the crackheads and hacks.

Thanks lady.  But who's going to pay my bills?

And what if I like the hacks and cracks.  They've embraced me, so i'll embrace them back.


***


It's all nice and flattering.

But it comes back to you.

Fucking you.

None of it will matter if I don't have someone to share it with.

No amount of fame or success.  It won't make my heart whole.

That someone to ride the highs with.  To carry me through the lows when I doubt myself.  You were just that.  And I love you so much for it.

You...



***

Make it a good one.